change it a little bit. I will just record down my thoughts a little and hopefully still hold onto my dreams in pursuing an education in IT and programming so that I can build up applications that I have dream of. I know well that dreaming is one thing and realizing them is another. Due to my massive work load, I hardly had any time at all to do that and go actually go for any formal education.
Basically, it feels out of place when you are working just for the sake of paying all your bills and debts. To say the truth, I am not even motivated to wake up everyday. Doing something that you dread makes living a real chore. That is why I have been trying to educate myself and eventually be in a job that I really enjoy and willing to be working. By then, perhaps, I will find life much enjoyable and much meaningful.
Yes, it means that things are really meaningless to me now. I don't know why I am working on things that I don't enjoy. I can't bring myself to learn them willingly. Most of the them, I am just being reactive. It is only when someone asked me to learn about something that aids in the efficiency of fulfilling my duties, I would learn. If not, I rather rot my time away at work. Anyway, the former is just a phrase. Truth is, it turns out to be that I barely have time for the wash room or even lunch. I wasn't paid over time even though the contracts state all employees are entitled to over time pay at 1.5 rate.
Some would say that you have no one to blame, you were the one who chose to accept the position. Yes, I must agree as well. Not all of us will have the choice of careers that we want to have. This is especially true if your family is suffering from poverty. I came from a single parent family (good enough, least not an orphan), and here it seems as if we don't believe in supporting the underprivileged individuals in our society. There aren't schemes like this. It seems like we would still need to work even if we are at retirement age in order to survive. Therefore, losers can't be chooser. I am one of the underprivileged ones.
Things aren't that bad after I started working. However, no matter what, we still can't afford a house of our own. I have overheard a saying in my country: "You'd have to be a millionaire to own a house here." Thankfully, my family was still able to afford a rented apartment.
There goes the reasons why I was not able to afford formal education and why I don't have enough time to pursue the field I wanted to be in.
There are times I wonder if I know myself well enough to be saying this. Is the computer science and programming really my interests? Or is it just a hasty decision I made myself without understanding myself even further? But one thing is for sure: You'll not know better until you actually give it a try.
I know I despise my current job after trying. I had tons of part time and contract job experience, and the one I enjoyed most both got to do with IT. One got to do with teaching IT courses to students, another was as an IT helpdesk. But you might ask both have nothing to do with programming. That's correct. However, both of them showed me how much programming can achieve, in teaching others subjects ranging from IT to languages to science, in gathering information on transport and achieving insights on the traffic around our country. These are actually application programmed to achieve a certain objective. Being exposed to these made me interested to know how that was being done and started researching on how to program and trying desperately to program something for someone precious. However, I haven't been able to achieve it yet.
Since I don't have anyone to cheer me on, I decided to record down my progress here and hope that it would motivate me to complete what I set out to do. It takes perseverance, time and great amount of effort to complete it while continuing my current work. This was why I am looking out for a change in job, hopefully, nearer to my home so that I wouldn't waste my time in travelling. Hopefully, I could save enough for my own education purposes and eventually make it in the end.
These are words I have been telling myself over and over again for me to be motivated to live on these days. I bet many of us actually feel that we have not been fully utilizing our own talents, and some don't even know where their talents and interests lie. However, there are lots of factors out there that stop us from pursuing what we really want. (To me, it's what I really need. Unlike most, I don't have much precious ones to live for. I only have one, and she is diagnosed with cancer. She could pass away any time. [She told me, we are too close to each other, and beg me to live for myself once she is gone.] I know I wouldn't be able to defy her wish. That is why I am still holding onto this unrealistic dream now.)
Those to happens to stumble by, thank you for your precious time reading something like this. I know I don't write well enough, I have zero talents in language. Sorry for the grammars and other language errors that I have made. Feel free to correct me if you'd spot any mistakes. I will edit the post and correct them when I see the comments.
That's all for now, I will update what I managed to pick up in the next post...Until next time.
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