Nightmares...

As the title suggests, I am bothered by nightmare yesterday. I don't understand why I will still have nightmares even though I was so tired. Perhaps, it happens to most of us and it is just me not being aware of it. It was a dream that bothers me quite a lot. It is unrealistically real and it's about me being possessed and not being able to control myself anymore even though I am conscious of what I was doing. In my dream, I desperately tried to stop myself from reacting the way that I don't wish to, but no matter how hard I tried, I just can't. The feeling of fear, guilt and lost was so great that I couldn't go back to sleep after I woke up from my dream. I wonder does dream really mean something, or is it just random thoughts that occurs in your mind. Till now, I don't understand why do we even have dreams at all. I have not learnt anything about it and wasn't curious to find out before today. I will update more when I find out about why do we dream and whether our dreams have a meaning to it.

As usual, my days seems not to go smoothly everyday. I was made to clean up a whole pile of rubbish in a storeroom today. I am only a quarter done. It was not within my job scope to do that, however, since I was told to do that by my boss, I will have to do it unless I am prepared to get fired. Despite how unwilling I was to do such a job given that I had other duties and responsibilities to take care of, I don't have a choice but to run everywhere in the office the whole day. I cam back earlier today as I was totally drained and couldn't get anything else done anymore. Since it was meaningless for me to stay any longer as the things that I was supposed to do was just to clean up the mess that were left by them. I just took my leave without saying much. Seriously, why I am doing this? Not only everyone treats me like at invisible being or a slave, I felt as if I was being look down upon even though I did my work much better than the rest of them in the department. Yes, they asked me to lower my standard, and I did listen and try not to make things look perfect. Yet, it seems like no one would ever be satisfied. I don't understand why. Probably, I am not going to understand why anymore. I will just leave when I have the opportunity to. No use working for such a company which does not appreciate hard work due to the culture or perhaps my department environment. I guess there is no use complaining about this as well, nothing would change unless someone with the authority notice this and wants to be a change. Truth is, more often than that, they would only notice this when the company is at the brink of a crisis. By then, it tends to be too late.

I didn't realize the look on my face until the moment I stepped into my rental flat and my family asked if something happened to me. I guess I was pretty affected by it, even though I tell myself that it is fine. We always have a choice to leave when we are unhappy. Just that, we can not leave straight away as we will need to plan for our futures. Especially because with no income, we will definitely not be able to survive. (At least, I know my family will definitely not be able to survive.)

I am planning to do a video review on the mechanical keyboard that was given to me by my cousin as he had more than 20 mechanical keyboards lying around his house. To think, he is just 15 this year if I am not wrong. Well, that shows how much difference in our family background. His family is pretty well off, at least they will not need to worry about their expenses and bills. They have more than enough to survive and, hence, are able to spend the extra on consumers products. To say the truth, I can't. This is probably a reason why I was bullied in workplace as well because they know that I have no means to do anything to them when I am constantly troubled with my very own survival. Anyway, I am still thinking of a way to do that, perhaps I will do it this weekend or next weekend. It depends. I will update more about this when the time comes.

I have quite some time to do some studying today. Perhaps I will finish up my essay assignment for week three. However, I am worried about typing that today as I am pretty much half asleep. This is true when I am typing this post as well. Please comment and tell me if I make any funny errors in my typing. Honestly, I don't even know how my post flow now. I would when I read it myself tomorrow.

For now, I will go and do some reading and perhaps post something constructive later. Until then, enjoy your free time at home. Relax and rest..